Seeking The Other, Finding The Self

The fulfillment of every word

2011-10-17T07:56:00.001-07:00

Let us now take down every sign, every billboard that recognizes any distinctions of one Christian man from another. Let s remove every false boundary devised of the enemy, all of those invisible walls known as denominationalism. If you are proud of your heritage carry it on the inside and let your respect of inheritance be shone in actions. If you truly dare not to disrespect your fathers of faith, then stand to this call of unity which is Christ’ prayer for all those who believe on his name. Let us begin to love each other as Christ has loved, let the world know now that we are his children who call on the name of the lord. Let not our factions be imprinted upon the savior, but let HIS name be written on our foreheads and in our hearts. Let men find the light because it is shining and pointing to the true savior, not because we have placed a sign that points to a true humanity. In this we shall not be worried how the masses will find us, or be concerned what markers they shall use on Sundays to find a place of worship, for when we remove these walls we shall be free to go to them and the place of worship will be over the whole of the earth. When we remove these wall it shall be like lifting a bowl from a lamp, and all men shall come to the light even as it embarks on a journey to all men.

Salvation in better hands

2011-10-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

I have battles so long to keep my old self dead. At times I've even raised him form the dead just to pick a fight with him.

In my early youth Christ compelled me to death and I have yearned that death of me to be completed. Through much pain and struggle I have fought to make my life His life.

What I have finally come to realize is that the old self could not fully die until I decided to live.

I need not crucify Christ over and over, or even myself, for all of these were attempts at security, and my own means to salvation. Part of Josh Love dying to himself included letting Jesus love him.

I deny my self no more of your riches, no more of your lavish grace, or radiant plans for my life. Now is the end of false humility, now is the end of death.

Now is time for life.

Nothing that I want, and everything

2011-10-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

Keep your governments, and your taxes! Keep your allegiances and political party ideologies! Take my house, have my car, my clothes, my telephone, squander my social security and fashion your missiles, your bombs and all manner of war machines. Keep your conveniences, your fast food restaurants, your favorite sports religions. Take back my very rights, keep your "independence" as you call it, all of those self-evident truths that so many have died for, your picket fences, your greens lawns and the tinny little ornaments that litter them. Have your wealth, your prosperity gospels, your American way! Have your fill of it all, oh world....just give me Jesus. Give me God. Please lord, I finally want nothing else, give me you.

The Journey Continues

2011-09-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I got a good look into the mirror of my soul
with all the dirt, all the pain, and all the sorrow
What I saw was me, and not all of it was good
or at least
not in my eyes

But except, it I did
All that I am
All that I'm not
All that I want to beand all for which I've fought

But God, he holds it all
He cares for my life
He attends to every breath
With such care that Im free
to be who I am
Where I am
I am loved where I am

But theres more
His love tells me theres more
and I believe him
I hope in his word
His voice is on the heart

look no further than faithfor eyes to be feet that carry
into an unknown future.

FIRE!

2011-04-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

There’s a fire in my soul

There’s a fire in my soul
Just lit up like a red hot blazing coal
Digg’n round like a subterranean mole
Excavating my heart.
And the terrifying part
Is its digg’n deeper.

Digg’n deeper to my core
Waging all spiritual kinds of war
Sifting soul of an open sore
Like an ancient threshing floor
More and more and more and more
Until the chaff of me
Be of yore.

Yeah, Its taking self and taking pride
Taking walls and things that hide
Reveals the truth and kills the lie
Reveals my God whose deep inside
Until he and I abide

but then
In him
I’ll die
The one through whom was made
All things that fly on earth and sky
In him I will abate
As phoenix from the ashes high
So my soul within shall rise
In clouds
I bow
And place my crown
Upon the ground
And in pastures I will lay

I With three remain
and the greatest I will know
Like a fire in my soul
Is love’s enduring flame

Sigh

2010-11-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

The quiet stillness of exceeding calm, like the ambiance of a diminished storm in may, fills my heart with subtle exhalations of release, and then, then I feel nothing. Nothing but still, proceeding the quake when all is in its place, resting as if the giant tons of moving earth had never been in tension at all, as if the hordes of molten magma had never heated to the soaring heights scarcely imaginable to an unperceiving eye. Like the waves have ceased and glass waxes still the once turbulent waters, like phantom crackles of thunder faintly rumbling in the distant memories of my searching ears.

sigh

I breath in slowly to see if the relief is real

sigh

the world has stopped

and yet, it is finally within my sight.

Groan

2010-10-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

Waiting,

Waiting, with patience

for the flood to come

for the sands of the sea and the stars of the sky

for milk and honey from the hand on high

Waiting, for home

Waiting, waiting for the corner stone

for the lasting city

for the second world

for the river life

and salvation unfurled

Waiting, for a king

and longing for the end of waiting

waiting redeemed

It Hurts

2010-10-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

Satan circles around my back side and says: "it hurts don't it?"

"yeah." I reply, clutching the place just above my stomach. "but its growing me...."

...silence...

Satan ponders for a moment and then speaks again: "Hurts though, right?"

I look to the ground and study it intently

waiting for the image of the Lord's feet to appear.

"I love the bride..." I say "we hurt until he comes for us..."

Looking back to the floor I see him sitting in front of me

and I wash him in my affections.

"But, it hurts." says devil man.

I nod my head 'yes' and I look up,

Another guest is walking into the restaurant.

Its a customer I haven't seen in along time, an Indian man.

I reach out my hand and we shake warmly.

I love him, and for a moment, I know I've seen the lord.

"It hurts because the old is sifting away...." I say heading back to the kitchen.

"I don't have to understand it to know it..."

Let it be

2010-10-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Release.

Oh my soul, release.

Loose the hands that hold his plans

and release.

Receive.

Open oh heart, and be.

Be one,

thy stream come in and run.

Let goodness come

until we are one

let rest be done
of all the works my hands have rung

now come
let it be

Free

2010-09-23T11:01:00.001-07:00

I am free, lord. Take the slavery from my heart.

I am yours, lord. Fill the warmth in my love.

I am complete, lord. Take the striving from my hands.

I am humble, lord. You make every good plan.

You are all, lord. Make me one in your arms.

You are light, lord. Take the dark from my mind.

You are love, lord. Take my will and my time.

You are the truth, lord. You are the way.

I am the dust, the potter's red clay.

Who ever gives you a drink

2010-09-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

"Who ever gives YOU a cup of water to drink because of your name as followers of Christ, truly I say to you, he will not loose his reward." Mark 9:41

He turns the world, he shakes everything that can be shaken. Lord shake us. Shake us and bend us to drink from the stranger, spill us out until salvation rolls like water over the mountains.

Set salvation free

Return to an old friend

2010-09-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

I saw Dan under the bridge yesterday, and all of a sudden I was reminded of the first time I met him. "Good things take time, good things come with patience." He would know, life or death Dan waits for what ever comes. There's just no rush. I'm trying to eat these words right now. I'm trying to digest the fullness of the virtue taught best by a homeless man.

Meekness. Not shy, though shyness certainly comes with it at times, but rather one who waits faithfully. Meekness knows that provision is more than what you can get for yourself, because some times what you want can only be given. Love, peace, grace, mercy. Ask the lord of the harvest therefore to send his workers. Give away what you want and all shall be given to you. Amen.

Back to listening

2010-08-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

The savior reaches out his arms, and places his hands on my shoulders. I'm not looking at his face, but I know he is smiling. His hand moves to my ribs and then to my back, as if to dance with me. He is silent, and keeps looking to the distance. He's not looking for something, but he sees. At this time I notice his beard, and the profile of his face. With the other hand he shows me the way, and we are side by side. It feels like home, or something very full.

He says: "speak the truth"

Write it on me

2010-07-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

You write every story. Every story is yours. Write your story on me. Through me write your love song to the world. May my life be worship, may me heart be worship.

Sin is Hungry

2010-02-15T06:50:00.000-08:00

Sin looks to consume you, and it will hunger for your life as long as you live. Its like a predator laying in wait for a moment to strike. It will lure you with desire until it has grown to maturity, and when it has consumed you you will die. That's pretty obvious though isn't it? When a beast consumes you, then you die. I would be dead too, if a lion consumed me; so it is with sin, its design is to kill us. These three are our true enemies: temptation, sin and death, and the three of them are allies. They are a house of evil that stand together. None of them are of the lord, and in the end they will pass away to be blotted out from our very memories forever and ever. Praise be to the king of kings.

The kingdom of God is like a war; God is the army saving us from captivity, and the walls of our prison are temptation, sin, and death. They separate us from him. And its a well defended fortress with centuries of ancestral sin as its guards, except the archers do not aim out at God, whom can not be defeated. The archers fire inward at us; keeping us stolen by fear and shame. The foundation is sin and the mortar is desire but the wall is death. The crowning architectural achievement of the enemy is this wall of death; for Satan could not have made it himself. The enemy is not a child made in the image of God, and therefore he can not create things. Only creators can create and so he must use us to construct our own prisons. This is why Satan is the tempter; he provides us with the materials needed for his designs; this is temptation. Like an evil blueprint for death we look over it and make plans to destroy ourselves. Sin is the work of our hands and the finished product is death. Satan makes death through us by tempting us to sin; it is for this reason that sin's main goal for all times is to bring about death on the children of God. How then are we saved from this horrible cycle? The army of the lord bashes down the wall of death and then he turns our tools to good. Instead if building up the wall we are trained to tare it down. We are given the tools of deconstruction, dispossession, selflessness, and love.

Death is a force but God's love is demanding as the grave. On the third day Jesus rose to life and tore down the wall. Death could not hold him from God's love. Now sin is like a starving bear searching for a soul to eat, but death has been turned against it. One died for all so all have died. To take up your cross is to die to yourself, and dying to your self is the end of Sin. Who have rest from sin? The dead. So we who are living give our selves over to death that sin might be swallowed up in victory, starved and abandoned. Sin's goal is now our greatest weapon. Now only temptation remains; Satan's last foot hold. Cling fast to the holy spirit. Those who are led by the spirit find the path to life, and it is a guide to all truth.

So put to death the old self and be born again, not of natural descent, nor of human decision, or a husbands will, but born of God; and God is spirit.

Sin is hungry but among the camp of God's people it only finds the food we give it.

The Path Goes Ever On and On

2010-01-25T12:13:00.000-08:00

I've found a companion on this journey. In truth there are many, but this new one is so very appropriate. "God sent" is the most accurate word, and I think he might say that's exactly the point, if he were alive. In my quest to Seek the Other, the life of Thomas Merton is exemplary, and so too his writings. Most especially the collection entitled "Seeds of Contemplation" Seeds indeed! A potential harvest of life changing meditations. His journey, more than most, is founded at the heart of seeking the other. Looking back on where I've been this last two years I can see we were meant for each other. He is my guide or my predecessor, which ever is less idolatrous. Or maybe I should say he has taken a very direct route of the narrow path, and made deep its groves and foot falls.

In any case it is like the word in flesh once again when I read his work. The man himself is a redemptive case, like us all, I have no doubt. My point is not to set him further apart, he would not appreciate that very much. He has run the race though, and done it recently. The text is brought to life for me. The words of Jesus are accessible to my heart in a way that bypasses the filters of my mind, and the mind can be such a hindrance. The layers of time must be pealed back by an incarnation of the Lord's work, displayed in his people. This is done by his holy spirit and so my confession today is confidence in Jesus' promise. The spirit of truth is a guide, a councilor to truth. One we could not go with out. The councilor leads us into all of God's will, and that is the revelation at which I have arrived recently. We, us, ourselves cannot lead our selves in the perfect will of the father. His will for us has nothing to do with us. This is the edge of a great mystery. One revealed in Christ and made as promise in his resurrection. He bares testimony of the fathers will: to keep your life is to loose it and laying it down is to gain it, and this is all proved, as Paul would say, in the fact that he was raised from the dead. Acts Chapter 17.

I've been sick this week, but I have not been in lack. I have found that suffering can lead us so very deep along this road. High and wide, deep and far. It is the path to love. Let me explain. If you've ever done work, used your energy to accomplish something worth while you should know that it requires strain to do so. Suffering is very different from misery in this way. You know its misery if you're not getting anything out of it. When suffering occurs you've done some work. In misery there is no purpose. Suffering is purpose, or it has it in the lord. Nothing of value can be gained with out an exertion of the self anyways. In exertion the self must be put to the side, and pain endured for the creation of something new. Thomas puts it this way:

"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be,

and in order to find myself I must go outside myself, and in order to live I have to die."

Every moment in life, pleasant or not is an opportunity to take in a seed of truth that is in part a piece of the father's self. For he has given himself to us by displaying it in all of creation (Romans 1:20)

The baring of our crosses is the path Jesus has laid before us, to save us from our selves and the unreality of a life centered around self. It is similar to his commandment: Love each other as I have loved you. For there is no greater love than this: to lay down your life for your friends." in order to abide in him and him we must not abide in us. When this happens he abides in us and his love is made a house and temple in our hearts. The living God with in a humble chamber, broken and fallen. This is the redemption of our bodies. God's temple has no room for anything else but he himself. At first thought this suffering sounds like a burden, but this is not true for Jesus yoke is easy and his burden well you know. The truth is, as far as I can explain it, love is a selfless cause that requires work, a work that is not so hard when we get outside ourselves. This is the grace of suffering: it gets you outside yourself, or it should. Anything else is misery. God is love, and love is his command. In it we abide and he remains. Ever giving, but ever receiving and all from the other to the other, who in the end is God. This is the design of the trinity.

Please join me, reap a harvest in love this day.

Ps: thanks mom this book is soo good.

Righteousness and Lord of The Rings

2009-07-30T12:43:00.001-07:00

Lean not on your own understanding, but trust in the lord......

This is hard, even harder if you grow up in the church, or any form of religion. The lord God of Israel calls us to an obedience that puts its power in trust. The reason this is so hard for me is the fact that I want to earn everything I do. I want to make "my' faith "my own." What a misunderstood concept this has been for me. For many of us it describes a change that occurs in the formative years of early adulthood, but the language is completely miss leading. There is a spirit of understanding there that knows the desire of the father for us to be brought in closer to his heart, but to use the language of "my own" has proven destructive and dangerous in my life.

The constant foothold of the enemy, the space known as "my own"

"Its mine, my own... my precious" as Gullum puts it. The ring, the ring of power, is just that. It was made by the enemy, can only be used by him and never gives us what we want. The reason being: It is an object designed for private use.

Here is righteousness at work in a very real way. Say what you want about Gullum but in the end he's just like the best of us. When the ring goes into the hands of our friend mister Frodo Gullum does all sorts of things for the good guy's side. Say what you want, but Gullum is never an intensional instrument of the enemy, Sauron.

"But Gullum is on his own side!" we might say. Well, exactly. For a long time that has been my lot in life. I may not be a follower of the enemy, but his designs are fulfilled in my actions when my actions are made for my own fulfillment. Look at the scripture above in this light. It's what i've tried to do for the past couple months. This is what it comes down to for me: I stated it in a previous blog "I'm Not Jesus" but maybe put in a better line of thought in this scripture. "Lean not on your OWN _______ but trust in the lord." Just fill in the blank because the place you put your understanding effects every decision you make.

Here let me give this a try:

Josh,

Lean not on your own understanding

lean not on your own ability

lean not on your own resources

lean not on your own love

lean not on your own forgiveness

lean not on your own grace

lean not on your own plan

lean not on our own visions for the future.................ugggggh here comes the big one

lean not on your own.... righteousness,

That last one really gets it wrapped up! lean not on my own righteousness or, lean not on my on efforts to make me right with God and people. Holy father thats hard!

How do most religious people come to a faith, and not just budism but christianity as well?

If the world is filled with any one remotely like me than they come to religion in hopes of filling their existance with justification for their share in this place called life. Ok, maybe in the western world of insurance and abundant provisions at least, this might be the case. (thank God for the poor and needy!)

Ok, heres what I'm getting at: I've spent a lot of my life trying to earn the identity that christianity bestows on its followers. I've been trying to figure out, ok so now what do I do to be that person. Right, I know it doesn't sound all that much likee Gullum yet, just give me a second. When the lord God called me to his throne and asked me to kneel at the feet of his laws he did not do so expecting me to fulfill his wishes to a "T" He wants me to, as the path of life was given to us through his instructions, but he never wanted me to fulfill this path. I had to ask myself why? Heres what i've come up with. SO THAT THE PATH OF LIFE IS NOT MINE.

If I could find and make life on my OWN, how could I be a created thing. It comes down the the basic fundamental understanding of what I am as a human being. I am not God and he has not asked me to be him. I am not the path of life and the lord has not asked me to fulfill it, he already did. In the first act of creation, by taking nothing and making something God has set himself apart and in control. In the second creation built upon the cross he put himself under everything and was thus exalted so that no one could boast. He is the alpha and the omega, he is the begining and end. To seek life by my own design is not only foolish, but impossible. Jesus lived the life that is life. Jesus chose the way that is the way. Jesus was the light that is the light. Being both man and God....well what i'm getting to is not something to be taught, only learned. So I pray that the spirit lead us to that end.

So...

Lean not on your own plan, to make you right with God today. Know that Jesus did that, and there is nothing that you can do to earn the father's love for you, or his salvation!

And if you desire righteousness this day, you're going to have to do it the way Jesus did, with a cross. Because he already set the path. You can't make one just as good, you can't make one that works better for you. If you want righteousness your going to have to let Jesus in and shape your time, shape you descisions, and shape your mind. In Phillipians chapter 2 Paul asks the church to "be of the same mind" he doesn't mean "What ever you do, in word or deed do it with the same goal and reason" he means "be of the same mind as christ" and remember the rest of the chapter? Here comes one of the most quoted verses in scripture:

5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: 6Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death even death on a cross! 9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, 10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Shining as Stars

12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

1st Brasileiros: A letter to my sister in Brasil

2009-07-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Barbara

So you’ve asked me to write my life story, and I said I would, but I want to warn you again, as I did the first time. This is going to be quite long, and even then I can’t write about all the things the lord has done in my life. I can’t even remember all of his good ways. But if I could write down all of the things the lord has done, well, it would take so long to write it I would miss a million more during this letter. So let me keep it short, sort of.

Well, I have to start by saying that my life is about love. Not just because it’s my last name, though that seems no coincidence at this point, but more that it has always been the driving force of my existence. Love has been my reason for living in every season of my life. Through the dark winters of my soul, and the warm summer times love has held me to this place called life.

It is hard to describe love for love has many names. It has been my last name for the short years of my life and some times that has caused me to take for granted its meaning and value. It should carry with it a certain weight when it leaves the lungs and passes over the lips. Sadly love is a mystery to many. Very few know the full extent of its power. There are those who live and love themselves, and others who live to love others, and others still, the rare elite, who does both. Those who love themselves are common in the world, those who love others are about half as common, and those who love both the self and the other are very rare but not hard to find. These are the ways people love and it is important to know because love is the power behind every event in history. Not one child has been born or one human murdered nor one tree trampled, or planted, outside the power of love. As it is there are many kinds of love and there are many ways to express each.

There is the love that occurs in third grade when a boy meets eyes with a beautiful girl. This is the hardest love to replace. There is the love of infatuation, which is the love of sports, books, worlds, dance and music. I envy those who love dance. The love of music is one that goes especially deep in my own story. Musical composition and worlds of the mind walk hand in hand in this dream of life and for me they are the deepest waters that can be found. It is for this reason alone that I never really heard any of my father’s sermons before the age of ten. I was too busy scribbling away on a thousand tree’s worth of white printer paper. My love for stories has destroyed much of the rainforest. Even when I wasn’t drawing or writing I was using my ninja turtles to act out my Dad’s lessons.

There is also the love a son has for his parent’s-weather or not they are any good at the job, which mine where excellent by the way. There is the love for a friend, and deeper still the love for a best friend that surpasses reason. Best friends hurt you the most, disappoint you the greatest and yet there is no bond like the one between people who understand each other…or don’t understand each other. I haven’t figured it out yet. Not last but final on this list is the love for home. In the land of home love is like the rain dripping from heavy pine branches. Sweet the escape of fur’s fresh essence as it mixes with the crystalline water mist whose fountain is the ice of thousand year old glaciers. And the mountain lingers in the foggy distance mysterious and terrifying as a first kiss. To disgrace my love is to shelter under an umbrella. Allow me to soak in the tears of falling joy, tip-taping from the twilight twinkling greys in the sky. For as long as the great northwest stands in the annuls of time, which time is like a spoken breath, so will Oregon be my home.

Can any power conquer love? Can war or peace? Perhaps hate? Surely death?

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

Literally my life started in a place called Arlington Texas, in the city of Dallas, where my father was a minister for a church called Park Rose Church of Christ. When I was 3 years old my Dad got hired to be a minister in Oregon, which is just north of California. We moved to the city of Portland just before my 4^th birthday, and I had never seen any place like it. It’s beautiful there. Tall trees, giant mountains, waterfalls; the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. I loved Portland. I still do.

Portland Oregon is where my life really began, not just because I liked it there, and not just because I made my first best friend at that church. Life began for me when I found love. Its crazy, I know, but in the third grade I met a girl named Jessica Bradely. It is impossible to tell my story with out mentioning her. From the first moment I saw her I had a reason to live. I knew instantly that I loved her. Yes, she was pretty, Linda, but more than that it was her very person I was attracted to. Jessica herself was beautiful, and I could see what was on the inside. At first my love was secret. Not even my parents knew about it. I didn’t even tell my friends. The story is long and some times painful to remember but you should know that I loved her, without ceasing, from the time I was 8 years old until I was 15 years old.

This was a hard time in my life. Being in love with a girl who didn’t know was painful. I would have told her so many times, but I never thought I was good enough for her and so my love remained secret for most of that time. But also it was a hard time because my mother was very sick. When we moved she became ill with a sickness that attacked her muscles. She was always week. It seemed like she was in bed for ten years straight. I remember every night my father would come to put me in bed and we would pray. Every night I prayed the same thing “Lord heal my mom, in Jesus name amen.” Every night for ten years, every night.

Finally my mom had enough of her sickness. She wanted more and she knew Jesus could give it to her. She began to read the scriptures looking for all the verses about healing. One night after a lot of prayer she invited the elders over to our house to pray over her. They anointed her with oil and prayed. The lord descended on the house and Jesus was among them, my mom saw him in one of the elders, and then she was healed. She was dressed in white and with the oil in her hair she had the appearance of an angel. My mom’s faith planted faith in me. I am thankful for her faith, with our it my life would have gone very differently.

Ben Reis, faithful servant of the lord, passionate hunger for his spirit. Ben was my youth minister, like what Mark and Ali do. This man taught me to enter the presence of the lord. His worship was from the heart and he taught our group to do the same. You could feel the blood of the lamb passing in our midst. Some may look back on that time and think it was a fairy tale. But I know with all my heart Ben brought us to the courts of the heavenly father. Because of this man I was baptized into the lord Jesus Christ July of 2001. The timing was good because I would need the Lord Jesus to be my life. It was that year my father told me we would be moving back to Texas. He got a job with ACU teaching classes and directing events. I was so sad, and very angry. I thought it would be the worst change I would ever have to experience in my life. We moved to Abilene in the middle of August. School would start in two weeks and I had nothing to do with my time. I cried almost everyday. I sat alone in my room wishing that life could stop so that I wouldn’t feel so helpless. But one day a group of fellow high school kids came knocking on my door; five of them, all angels from the lord almighty. They asked if I wanted to go look at the school and learn what rooms ours classes would be in. The lord provided. Faith was in me. In Abilene I experienced many blessings. I have to say that first before anything else. The lord has blessed me greatly with my time in Abilene. I really mean that.

Being in Abilene opened my eyes. In Oregon there aren’t many Christians. In Abilene everyone goes to church. Or at least that’s what it seems like to a 15 year old. My youth group had over 200 kids. My youth group in Oregon had maybe 30, maybe. Even then I remember the times when Landon Lynn and I were the only two people to show up at youth events. At Highland, in their youth group, it seemed like a birthday party Festa Junina every day. Which was exciting, but I never felt like it was one family. I did feel family towards many of those people, but it never felt like we were one in spirit in the bunch. Really, honestly my impression was that Texas Christians took their faith for granted. It seemed so secondary to them. I mean it was like being a follower of Christ was just “part of life” that some one added to everything else. But as the prophet says: “the robes of his train filled the temple.” The lord God of Gods does not compete for space in the hearts of his people. It hurt me to see what this meant in real life.

There is a lot of religion in the south. People worship football. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the American movie “Friday Night Lights” but its no exaggeration. I mean its not over done. I don’t know if that translates well. (seu nao um exagero) In the movie you see that football is more important to parents than their actual children. You know this kind of thing in Brasil I think. If too many Brasileiros see soccer as the most important thing in life, than you know what I’m talking about. What I’m saying is there are many Gods in southern United States and among them is the God of church. The father showed me that the church can make itself God as well, and I was very sad. Lots of money gets spent around here and most of it goes to the satisfaction of church people’s lives. Big buildings better programs. There is much more but none of this is worth talking too long about.

THe lord taught me that he was doing something special in the places where Christians are out numbered. Like in Oregon; the lord showed me that the Christians in Oregon knew how to love people. They loved better. Because of this I saw that the lord was planning something new. The people of the United States don’t like Christians. Even the people who are Christians don’t like people who take Jesus seriously. So I herd the lord: “Prepare the way of my work, I have a new thing.”

In the united states people didn’t want to come to church buildings any more and I knew that Christians would have to go to the people if they wanted to share Jesus. This gave me an idea. I thought: “I should plan on moving back to Oregon and open a coffe shop.” People in Oregon love coffe. I thought it would be a great place to do ministry.

So I knew that I wanted to do ministry but I also knew I didn’t want to do it like my father. On the first day of class, on the first day of college I sat next to a man named Kyle Trafton, which is not a coincidence. I found out that Kyle wanted to do the same thing with his life. We have been great friends since that day. In College I helped him start a house church. I learned much about love from Kyle and in a time of great need he helped me to discern the lords voice.

At ACU I studied the bible. Its a lot like going to a seminary. Well, lets say its a seminary for the mind at least. I came to ACU so that i could learn the bible really well. I wanted to back up my opinions about what the lord was telling me. I was a fool. I soon learned that a man should not lean on his own understading, but rather, the father's. I got all the knoledge i wanted...and even more. At the end of my freshman year (my first year in college) I came to a place of desision. I could see that school was either going to be about doing what i wanted to do, or what God wanted to do. It was hard but I knew I would need a different group of friends. I needed to seek out people who were seeking God and nothing else. Plenty of people seek the lord but they only last if they make it their life goal to find him. I also needed the lord to draw me closer to his heart and to humble me. He was able to do both of these things and my father was a great help.

In highschool I was on the praise band for our youth group. I wasnt very good but the adult who led our group knew that it didn't matter. When Highland got its mission team together for the summer of 2005 they asked the leader of the youth's praise band to come to camp. Thats the camp we met at this year! Because of this I was asked to go to Brasil. When my Dad learned i was going he offered to direct camp (like what Kevin did this year). Before I say more let me tell you why I started playing the guitar. When I lived in Oregon I started playing the violin. The orchestra was really good and I loved it. When I moved to Texas it was sad to keep playing the violin...so I asked my parents if I could learn the guitar instead. They said yes, and now it was three years later. I was going to Brasil to play guitar.

You sould know camp was awsome. It was powerful and I felt as if the lord had brought me there personaly. Its like he gave me the gift of music and grew it in me just so that I could go to Brasil, and if thats all that playing the guitar could bring in my life it was good enough! It was like my whole life had been planned around that 1 week in Brasil and i was so happy. It was also that year at camp I met my friend Reid Overall. And that was by the lord's design as well because Reid was in most of my classes at school the next year. The lord provided me with the friends I neeed to seek after him. Thank the lord for Reid Overall. Thank the lord for Brad East, and Paul Gonzalves, Thomas Robinson and Tanner. Thank you for Josh Kirby, Jason Allen, Zack Snyder, Chase Barnett, and Jeff Paxton. Praise the lord for his servant Randy Harris. Thank you lord for Brad Mick. Thank you for Chris Chestnutt. Thank you. One thing more changed my life forever in that summer. WHile i was working at my grandfathers ranch there was a day we had gotten very tired and I was very rude to him. That night I cried and got on my knees to pray. My prayer was:

"Lord I cant even love the people closest to me, I would rather give up my gift of life and you live in my place than to go on one more day hurting the people close to me. please lord destroy me, destroy Josh Love.

Amen."

The next year in school I studied the bible very deeply and not just what it said, but what history said about it. I have very little to say about this kind of thing. I lost my faith. It was all in my head. It was all knoledge and I found out that what I could know with my mind would never give me a relationship with the lord. When I relized this, I realized I didnt know him. When I realized i dodnt know him I found I had no faith. The foundations of my life crumbled. I had built my understanding upon "pillars of salt and pillars of sand." and even though I had many reasons and many opportunities to know the lord they had all colected in my head. Never had the truth entered my heart. I had seen his work in my mom. I knew his guidance in my move to abilene. I knew he had plans for me. I felt his presence in youth group, but none of it had ever gone into my heart. My faith was empty and my mind was full. I didnt know how to believe in God.

Love endures all things. The lord saved me through the friends I wrote about. Love held me together and I knew that even though I lost everything I wasnt alone. And then I thought somhing that excited me. I realized: "I've never sought after the lord. He's sought after me, but I've never sought after him." At once I was filled with life. At this time we began to meet about going to Brasil again. My father was still going to direct and I was asked to help with worship again. I felt the lord tugging at me, and I moved my feet in his direction. "WAS he really talking to me?" I asked myself at night.

Thank the lord for Kimberly Lewis. The lord brought us together for several months before brasil. She was my girlfriend, but so much more. I herd the lord telling me to be with her. I had doubt, i didnt know if it was really the lord speaking. I was having problems with women. The one I left in Oregon had torn a giant hole in my heart. Love had left aplace that the lord needed to heal and I wasn't sure if being in a relationship was what I needed. In highschool and in college i tried to remake the idol that Jessica was. It was never healthy and I'm very sorry to those who I tried to replace her with when I moved to Texas. My heart was lost. Actualy it was the last thing on God's list. Frst he broke my mind. Now he had to break my heart. He did this through Kimberly. We were together just long enough for her to become the idol in my heart that the lord needed to remove. So, only 3 days before i left to go to Brasil she broke up with me. Praise the lord! When I got to camp I had nothing left to fill my life. In just a few mounths I lost everything that made life livable.

Just before camp started my father challanged the mission team with a simple request. He asked us to pray the lord's prayer every day. I had nothing else so I grabbed onto the lord's prayer with all of my strength.

"Father in Heaven Hallowed be your name make is known in all the earth. Your kingdom come your will be done on earth as it is in heaven, come near to us. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us lord only as we forgive others and deliver us from the evil one, for lord God yours is the kingdom and yours is the power and to you is all of this honor for ever and ever amen."

Not only was I able to pray it every day but soon I was praying it every hour. I had to pray it. It was life in my empty heart. When I got to camp I needed it so bad. I tried harder to learn portugese and gave everything I could in discussion and worship times. I was hungry for the lord. I was already being changed. Ask Lauren, I was shy and quiet the first time in brasil but now I saw the work the lord had done through camp and it gave me life. I was becoming a brasileiro, a little bit. I wanted more. By the way, some day you should meet Raphael. Ask him about camp that first year it changed him. I still remember how much life was in him the next time I saw him...

At camp my father gave a lesson on the garden of Eden and how the lord would walk in the garden with Adam. I was overcome with desire for the lord. On my way out of the Chapel to our group time I said to the lord: "Walk with me lord, like you once did with Adam."

His spirit descended upon me. Hallelujah!

My whole body was filled with a lightness and his prescence. The joy of the lord was upon me. I could only take so much and soon I said: "ok thats enough!" and it left me. But now I knew. The lord God, the God of Israel is a living God great above all Gods, not subject to my mind and understanding. He is beyond me. This time when I got back from Brasil the fire of the lord's passion filled my heart. I prayed the lords prayer constantly. His heart was always on my heart. Soon my life was prayer, every second of it devoted to thinking about him and his will. I had a desk job at 5 in the morning every day the next semester and i spent every second of it in prayer with the lord. Over and over I asked him: "lord speak to me." for my faith had not yet been satisfied. All was silence. Lord one word speak one word to me, I knoew you live and I know you speak! Speak to me!"

Still there was silence and my patience was thin. Everthing fell apart again When I lost the strength to pray all the time and even everyday it was like loosing everything I had. I was empty once more.

But the lord is faithful.

I had nothing left to pray so instead I went around praying with others. I would think of a place or a person and I go find them. We would pray and then I would do it again. Ididnt even do my home work. I would go to class, but the whole time I was thinking of who or where to go next. It seemed like every person I thought to pray for was exactly wher I went to look for them. Or every time I wanted to pray with some one it was exactly when they needed to be prayed with. Glory to the lord! I did this for 3 months until one day I came in to work at my desk job. A man named Matt Labro was working the hours before me and when I came in I asked him to pray for me. I remember he opened his mouth and began to pray, but very soon it was not him praying. He was speaking to me. Matt was telling me things that only God would know about my self. "Is this the lord?" I thought. To test the spirit I prayed in my heart and the lord responded through Matt. It was him. God had chosen this night and this man to speak to me. I wept with tears in my eyes. I had waited so long for his voice. We talked for along while. Most of the things we talked about have been taken from my memory and are now being gaurded by the spirit for a future time when I will need them. But the things the spirit reminded me about I have used for his glory to the best of my ability. I tried to tell many people about what happened to me. Most of my friends were offended, many left me. I told people at my church but most of them thought I was crazy and I never really felt welcomed there again. But the lord had opened my eyes.

For three days and three nights I couldnt eat, sleep or drink. I wrestled in the night with spirits and the sight of food made me ill. I felt like I would die if I ate anything. All the while it was like being awake for the first time in my life. Like Neo coming out of the pod in the matrix. I dont know if youve seen the movie but this is what it felt like. There was a night in the campus center with my good friend Brad where we praised the lord. I saw a vision of the church in front of me and the spirit of Jesus was fully present in my body. Every thought I had was his, and every desire was his. And then as soon as it had began it ended. I was afraid. I knew all at once that I had been wrong about everything in my life. My understanding paled in the light of the savior. I knew I had judged wrong and I was left naked before the lord.

Since that night my life has been his. I continue to make mistakes, but it has been two years since my life was bought by the lord on high. I can do nothing to escape him. The number of stories of the lord's work in my life increased 10 times after this point and even though Im not done learning (I still have so very far to go) this is where I will stop. You can ask me about the rest if you want. Every day I am reminded that there is much to do in preparation for his work. The day of the lord is coming. Prepare the way of his coming. He is making all things new. May the spirit of the lord be stirred to wake his children. Jesus has called us:

⁵I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! ¹⁶So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. ¹⁷You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. ¹⁸I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. ¹⁹Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent.²⁰Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. ²¹To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. ²²He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."

Rev 3: 15-22

The lord is gracious and mighty to save. Let us turn our eyes on him! In the end three things remain: faith hope and love, the greatest of these is love.

amen

The River of Life is Come!

2009-07-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

The savior finds himself standing next to a well, waiting, as he always does. On the horizon a woman of lowley regaurd approachs. Its just another treck for her daily water. She's expecting to draw the same liquid she has drawn her whole life, and because she knows nothing else that will keep her alive she will keep coming here until she dies. At least this is her thought. Jesus looks at her with compassion and says: "Every one who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but who ever drinks the water I give will never thirst."

His words are nonsense to her. Like Nicodemas before she thinks: how can this be? But by the savior's words her eyes are opened. Welling up from her feet a desire to praise the the father overcomes her and the woman asks. "How should I worship you." To her great joy the savior declares the news of the Gospel; "He has come near. No longer wll you worship him on the mountain or in Jerusalem. You will worship him in spirit."

That day she became a fisher of men, but her testimony was written a thousand years before her birth and was past down to us. The lord stirs up the waters of the ocean many thousands of miles from the place where the waves cap on the beach, and here we wait saying: When lord will you move, give us a sign that we might believe. Are we to think that he is not speaking to us simply because we wait? If that is the case in this we are not right for God is greater than man.

¹³ Why do you complain to him
that he answers none of man's words?

¹⁴ For God does speak—now one way, now another—
though man may not perceive it.

Job 33

Let us listen. If we are quiet we can still catch the faithful words of the womens testimony....shhh she is still speaking..........

"The man brought me to the entrance of the temple and I saw water coming out from under the threshold...a river that no one could cross. he asked me; "Son of man do you see this?" Then he led me back to the bank of the river. When I arrived there I saw a great number of trees on each side of the river. He said to me; "This water flows to the eastern region and goes down into the Arabah,where it enters the Sea.When it empties into the Sea, the water there becomes fresh. Swarms of living creatures will live wherever the river flows. There will be large numbers of fish, because this water flows there and makes the salt water fresh; so where the river flows everything will live. Fishermen will stand along the shore; from En Gedi to En Eglaim there will be places for spreading nets. The fish will be of many kinds—like the fish of the Great Sea. But the swamps and marshes will not become fresh; they will be left for salt. Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing." -Ezekiel 47

Yes lord, yes. I will follow. WE will follow.

Let us follow

2009-07-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

Help me lord to hear you clearly. I release my expectations. Speak lord, in the words you want. By way of the truest expression touch my heart

still

be still my soul

and listen

Heart Tangles in the veil of truth

2009-06-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

Where do we begin lord?

Where do we start to

Untangle my masses.

Warm the blood and sooth the knots.

Fear underlying the grief

and grief stretches the pride that covers my shame.

Somewhere around the burden of pleasure

adjoining the heart contusion

of a forgotten love

In the place of one, a thousand crowd the chamber of my soul.

A joyous sight comes to the looking glasses of my mind but does not enter.

The pathways were long since congested

how many miles have I traveled in my mind while in form the atrophied legs of rot stifle beneath me? I feel a want I can not touch

my hand is crippled, held in place

Seized with fear

fear of life

I'm afraid to live

Death?

No, death has not stung me. I have been pinned to the wood basking in the hope of life renewed. The weight is not so hard to bear, or it wouldn't be

if not for the tangles and knots

But even as i feel it warming, softening, melting away the icy stiff of death... truth will not reveal. My eyes are cast to the ground

Your voice is calling but my head is heavy

"look to his face" I hear, by the time its navigated the streets of my soul the noise is muffled and confusing.

Did i hear or was it my thinking? Did I dream or was it my making?

I sit in silence and my knots remain. But to this post I do reclaim

that truth is in me. Life is within me and nothing else has been granted access to my heart, by your power

Only what I put....

Have i been put away?

Have i been laid to rest?

and you answer "yes and every day

in every way"

Come and clothe yourself, come and spend yourself, come and give yourself

to me"

afraid

afraid to live

"come again?"

afraid!

"come again?"

afraid to live!

"come again my child and feel the warmth of grace and know

how wide

how deep

how long

how strong

and empty the rest

for I fill my temple

there is no room for anything else"

So what is the rest? What is the whole, is it good, is it bad, is it evil?

"My grace is enough"

But all the other, what is the rest

of all I don't need

"choose wisely and give freely as you have been given to

my grace is enough"

is it love?

"it is life"

I'm Not Jesus

2009-06-07T18:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not Jesus and praise the lord!

His grace has covered me, his love amazes me. How far can I fall and still have your love? How deep can I hide and still be found? How wrong can I do it and you still redeem?

I am truly fallen. How fallen am I? You know you're fallen when: you know that you're fallen. That's how gone I am. When I can see the good and evil that lays before me: that's when I loose my way, because then I'm only listening to my self. What should I choose? Oh but lord, God of Gods, king of kings your words are better than life. Only you are good and therefore only goodness can be found in you.

I can see good, but apart from you it is as the wind. I can see evil, but apart from you it is the same as good. Only in obedience can I find the rest of wholeness you offer, but even knowing that is knowing a good over evil. I see them, I see all the choices I have to make to be obedient. All the ways I can be like you, be your representation on earth, be your light, be your life, live your image but...I cant do it all, the power is not with in me, and even if I did do it, It would have been for my sake, oh what a wretched man, oh what a sinner I am. Lord please I need your mercy please!

I, me, Josh. I can not be the good I see....

Praise the lord I'm not Jesus

You have taken it from my hands and committed it to his! Him who was before me, and is after me, and is you, and is for you, and is to you. All things are him and not one thing is with out him. To him, through him, because of you, because he's from you, because he is you he did it. Praise the Lord he has done it. All of the greatest things, all of the noblest ideas, every love, every word spoken and poem hymmed, each kiss, the stars in the sky and the endless expanse of eternal space that lay between of all these: To cross the void, to find true love, to make peace in all the world, understanding upon understanding, NOTHING compares to the work of him. Not one thing can stand to the work of the Christ and not one idea is even more mysterious. Not one power is like it in all of creation, and for this his name is above every name, and not one man nor woman can boast.

Thank you lord for making me Josh Love that I might be showered in this glorious grace. Thank you for Jesus.

You have not made me lord of lords, praise the lord I am not Jesus!

The Seventh Day in Iowa

2009-06-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

After the Lord got done creating the man that I've been this year we rested.

In Iowa.

Praise be to the lord of hosts. He fills by day and by night he takes away. To struggle with the lord God of Israel the god of Jacob is a glorious thing that I wouldn't trade for any love or riches. By the warming of the sun his love fills my belly. His gentle presence is like a thousand gentle butterflies within me.

Come and speak some more.

Come and be still again.

Come to my heart.

Refill my spirit lord it needs restored. Give me the fire that helps me to love and live the life you have promised. You were the lord of the desert and now I can see the land of flowing milk. In abundance you will be here, but my heart must be guarded lest I fall for another love. Keep me from love of the flesh and love of the mind. Keep me in my heart for there I have enthroned you for ever and ever.

With having little the truth of the ages has seemed so clear but keep scales from covering my eyes father. Let me see in my time of fullness those who still need around me. But in all things I must thank you for this gift. This gift of life this meaning and image that you have imprinted upon my spirit, that you see me as you see the Christ, pure and blameless. You see me as the perfect son and not one thing can I do to earn this gift.

Let us rest now

let us be still

the race is coming

You have all things in Christ, but what about you?

2009-05-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

Jesus holds all things together. Not one thing that has been made was made with out him, not one thing can keep us from his love: The love of the Father. His love can not be bought. The love of the father can not be gained or earned in anyway. Praise be to Christ that the love of God, his kingdom, his presence has come near to us. This is the gospel the words of truth from the mouth of truth himself. The Kingdom of God has come near. If you have wanted God, you shall have him. Knock and the door shall be answered to you, ask and you shall receive. The father and his infinite love is ours. One thing remains: does he have you?

The lord of lords the God of the universe and his holy spirit are yours to have and to hold. They reside in your body as the power that raised Christ from the dead and brought him into the glorious riches of his name's inheritance. Why has God done this? Has he done this so that we could be close to him? Yes. Has he done this so that we could be filled with his holy fire and receive the presence of the creator back into our hearts? Yes. But what about you? No, not what do you get. We just cover what you get. You get what every heart was created to want. Despite the enemies attempts to shift our focus fro the lord on to other idols nothing fills our desire for the lord like having the lord. The kingdom of God, the nearness of God, is not just about that. What about you? You have what you want, but does God. Having God in our hearts fulfills the desire of our hearts, but only if he has you is life found. You want the lord, and the lord wants you. This is the meaning of the truth: If you keep your life you will lose it, but if you give it up you will gain it. To give up your life isn't to throw it away. Life isn't found in your own ability. Giving up your life is giving it up to God for he wants it as you want him. So while you may feel the presence of the lord and while you may do many good works, and while you may be a good and righteous person as result of God's work in your life, at the end of all things there will be those to whom he says: "Who are you? You have cast out demons in my name, but i do not know you." Our life is hid with Christ on high, when...our life is hid with Christ on high. Are you his? He wants you as you want him. He is yours he has given himself over to us, but have you?

These where the questions in my heart. The spirit of the lord guided me to this place and found me wanting. For all the work he has done in me, through me, to me, and for me, what have I gained if I am not his? The answer is of course nothing. It would be better that I never did any good but was his, forever was a fool but was his fool, and never learned anything from my mistakes but my heart belonged to him than to be a good man with righteousness and not be his. He is better than life, to this I will attest. So I pray for thee that the lord would fill you with his love but that you will turn to him and give your heart. It is scary to entrust your life to the father, but if you want him how much more does he want you?

For this reason I kneel before the father (Even now) from whom his whole family, in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in our inner being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with the saints, to grasp how wide and how long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know that this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to the messure of all the fulness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine...

The Tree of Good and Evil

2009-01-15T07:45:00.001-08:00

Let us not take what is good before it is ripe to take it and in doing so turn what God has made into sin before us.

And the greatest lie is that we should take what we already have, for in Christ we have all things. All things are found in Christ.

"You will not surely die, the serpent said to the woman, "for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God knowing good and evil.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom she took some and ate it."

Genesis 3:4-7

By grace we fell and by grace redeemed who can say now that God is a God of anger. There is no excuse as God has made his love evident from the beginning and especially now in Christ

The lord bless the readers and keepers of the word.

East of Everywhere

2009-01-05T22:12:00.000-08:00

A correspondence:

J - (I've) Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are

G - I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart.

J - Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

G - Oh, let's go back to the start

J -(I'm) running in circles, coming up tails, heads on a science apart.

G-No body said it was easy.

J -Its such a shame for us to part

G -No body said it was easy

J -No one said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start

J -I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart.

G -But tell me you love me.

J -Come back and haunt me.

G -Oh, and i rush to the start.

J -Running in circle, chasing our tails, coming back as we are.

G -No body said it was easy.

J -No one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start!

-Coldplay

because some times God speaks most clearly where we don't think he's speaking.

What It Means To Minister

2008-12-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

Jesus, spirit of the beloved come upon me and give me rest.

I submit my lord, my love. I don't desire the powers any longer. I don't desire to be the changer to be the worker to be the needed one. Let them need only you and fill me to overflowing. Lord fill me with your love.

I'm done offering advise. I don't want to fix things don't want to change things don't want to make things of my own volition. I want you lord, my love I want you. Yours is the power my love. I have seen and felt your glory and it is all I want. Let your love stay, let me carry you inside. Walk with me, go where I go. Fill me with this love that it might spill over onto others. Let the poor say they are rich, let the weak say I am strong, because you are with me. Let the children come to you, let your children come to you.

Just be with me, be with me so much that you're with others too, the ones I can't seem to help.

I forgive

2008-12-05T21:59:00.000-08:00

I forgive my self lord.

I forgive Lord. Fill me with forgiveness. Lord the desire of my heart is to forgive.

To love deeper to love harder. Fill me lord. Transform my mind by the holy spirit.

I love you lord. But I know

You Love me more.

How can I not

Forgive.

Breaking Bread

2008-12-04T14:35:00.000-08:00

No longer do I desire to consume anything.

I will not buy the lie, I will not follow death and all of his friends, will not be an observer of the circle of death. I will be moved by nothing but my lord.

For his love has conquered the grave. Death has no hold of my life. I trust and move boldly now into the new creation.

One in which life does not depend on the death of others in an endless cycle. One death for all deaths that the old might pass. Now those that "eat my flesh and drink my blood" are remnants to continue on as the NEW comes to be. Slowly but surely comes to be.

Once Life was my god, and fear drove me towards you lord but now I understand your words. If I had been satisfied in finding life surely I would have died, but now in the presence of your love you are my God and I will lay down my life.

In hopes of gaining you.

YHWH I call on the name of the Lord! YHWH!

Lord, my love....

I'm going to go to work now....

How long?

2008-12-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

How long oh lord?

I'm sitting now, I am waiting now. How Long?

I am only breathing now, only breathing now. How long?

I know you are with me. I feel your presence. We abide, we are one. How long?

But Shalom my lord, my heart cries out for all of all to be brought to one. As you are one let us be one as well. How long?

Stillness pervades my mind. My thoughts are stopped at the point of mystery and fall into a state of foggy meditation among living words that communicate to my deepest self in inexegetical language. How long?

I can only listen, and the only thing you seem to do is swell like the ocean waves. It feels like rest, it feels like peace, like sabbath. Doing and moving working and choosing seem like echoes of a dream. Rest is so present it is all there is. One continuous moment of contented motionless existence. How long?

Did I dream your power? Did I image your desires? They seem at the side, put to rest on the wood stove of a cold winters night. A feeling like snow falling, an unchangeable season blisters by in the cold out doors while my spirit seems curled up with you aside the warm fires of patient contentment rot of the wisdom that knows the inevitability of seasons changing and hours enduring and even living in joy of what must be before it can be summer again. How long?

I wait, I submit to the power of this rest. I slip deeper into the calm of its trance and again as I fall into the quiet abounding my last words are how long? How long must i sing this song....

..........................

Love

2008-11-27T21:29:00.000-08:00

I've done enough complaining to last a life time.

I've done enough understanding and re-understanding and not-understanding to fill and reverse the pull of a black hole to a state of emptiness.

In the end it always comes back to this...

Love.

Its truest form is so beyond me that its on me, in me, around me, and with me.

Even then terms like beyond, in, around, on, and with don't really matter.

The love that I feel is so real, so essential that you wont even know its there unless you weren't.

But its so real it speaks to me that its more than a verb.

Proper doesn't even apply to the formality of this noun, and even then I'm missing the point again.

I cant even say the words that fit or describe but that doesn't matter here either.

Its almost like I need a different tongue.

I need words that speak themselves.

I need words that groan.

I need words that create meaning as much as they stand for it.

I lack nothing.

Here with Love.

Like trying to stretch out my roots into what they're already founded in.

Like turning to kiss a lover who's already kissing me.

Like wanting something I already have, no matter how many times I pursue it as something else.

Like needing to be wanted but already found.

There is no feeling like this, its not a feeling at all its............

Indescribable

It can only really be believed in.

It can only really be trusted.

I cant see it to trust it, cant touch it or hear it or taste it on my accord.

No.

All of those things come from it.

The only way is faith.

Not simply belief. What I can choose to think or choose as my reality seems irrelevant.

What I'm experiencing goes so far beyond the mind or the heart.

It cant be reasoned, bought, taught, understood or gambled with.

What I'm feeling, although their is no word for it

Is............

Matthew 12: 18

Praise God from whom all blessings flow praise him all creatures here below praise him above yea heavenly host praise him: Father Son and Holy Ghost.

Amen

When have I seen you lord?

2008-10-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

In my dreams I can see a women, she is beautiful and she is kind. She smiles while she suffers, and she loves those who are not loved. She is vulnerable, but she is courageous. She puts her self last, but she is strong. But above all she is infectious and more than my desire for her is my desire to be like her. As I awake I am filled with joy but its only a passing sensation and soon I am haunted by her image...

I've lost the words that shouted victory in my heart

where have the words gone?

I'm on my knees

Lord of heaven and earth,

Father creator,

Life sustainer,

All of all rest

on the breath of your lips

Let us listen

Let us be still

Come Lord Jesus

Meet me where I am

please lord take my hand.

Your mighty palm takes mine and we walk together. You are leading me and in the distance I can smell the sweet aroma of my mother's garden.

Where are we going lord?

A king wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement a servant who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. "Be patient with me," he begged, "and i will pay back everything." the servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go."

I breath in and out as I picture the scene...

What forgiveness. How do I find a land like this?

I tell you the truth unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.

The words are beyond my mind, beyond my rationality.

But I can not be born again. How will I be born again Lord?

With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

But to be a child I will have nothing. You ask me to give everything?

I tell you the truth at the renewal of all things, when the son of man sits on his glorious throne you, who have followed me, will also sit on twelve thrones.

How will I know the way lord? Tell me where you are going so that I can follow.

I am the way!

Listen I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me drink. You will see me many times and i will always be with you. The point is this; do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God with out fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the word of life in order that you may boast on the day of christ that you did not run or labor for nothing, but even If you are being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, rejoice and be glad.

And again I say rejoice!

Yes lord, life, I want life!

my soul cries out and I reach for the father but his hand is beyond my grasp.

In latter days I will pour out my spirit on you... you will dream dreams my child...

I feel alone and his presence seems to dissipate. But as my eyes roam the surrounding landscape I see others looking to the sky in the place where you left. They are just standing, just staring, and once again I am haunted by the image of a women I have not met...

How will I find you lord?

2008-10-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

I must be still, I must keep quiet, let the spirit fall upon me. A breath in and a breath out. Come lord Jesus.

I want to know you as I am known. I want to see your face with out the hindrance of my eyes. Come peace, come wholeness. Again I say Shalom.

I am in my body but it is not the focus of my concern, let my eyes rest upon Jesus, in him all things hold together. Peace be still. Peace be still.

I cannot learn my meaning it can only be found in living, so I must move beyond the filters of understanding, I must move into the nearness of God. At the Crossroads of man and God now stand. Here I hang my self suspended with you in service to others. Come Jesus.

Come holy spirit as I step into faith that is blind. Provide in the dark unknown, and because your work is beyond my understanding I expect miraculous signs and powerful movings of your will, as in the blindness of faith it is the milk that keeps me strong.

Now I can hear your call.

These are the words that lead me out.... love, there is no greater love than this...

How will I find you lord? What must I pray?

.....that love may abound more and more in depth of insight so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus christ to the glory and praise of God. -Phil 1:9

Rest your eyes upon Jesus

look full on his wonderful face

and the things of self will grow strangely dim

in the light of his mercy and grace

Let you kingdom come

let you will be done

In my self as it is with you