1st Brasileiros: A letter to my sister in Brasil

Dear Barbara

So you’ve asked me to write my life story, and I said I would, but I want to warn you again, as I did the first time. This is going to be quite long, and even then I can’t write about all the things the lord has done in my life. I can’t even remember all of his good ways. But if I could write down all of the things the lord has done, well, it would take so long to write it I would miss a million more during this letter. So let me keep it short, sort of.

Well, I have to start by saying that my life is about love. Not just because it’s my last name, though that seems no coincidence at this point, but more that it has always been the driving force of my existence. Love has been my reason for living in every season of my life. Through the dark winters of my soul, and the warm summer times love has held me to this place called life.

It is hard to describe love for love has many names. It has been my last name for the short years of my life and some times that has caused me to take for granted its meaning and value. It should carry with it a certain weight when it leaves the lungs and passes over the lips. Sadly love is a mystery to many. Very few know the full extent of its power. There are those who live and love themselves, and others who live to love others, and others still, the rare elite, who does both. Those who love themselves are common in the world, those who love others are about half as common, and those who love both the self and the other are very rare but not hard to find. These are the ways people love and it is important to know because love is the power behind every event in history. Not one child has been born or one human murdered nor one tree trampled, or planted, outside the power of love. As it is there are many kinds of love and there are many ways to express each.

There is the love that occurs in third grade when a boy meets eyes with a beautiful girl. This is the hardest love to replace. There is the love of infatuation, which is the love of sports, books, worlds, dance and music. I envy those who love dance. The love of music is one that goes especially deep in my own story. Musical composition and worlds of the mind walk hand in hand in this dream of life and for me they are the deepest waters that can be found. It is for this reason alone that I never really heard any of my father’s sermons before the age of ten. I was too busy scribbling away on a thousand tree’s worth of white printer paper. My love for stories has destroyed much of the rainforest. Even when I wasn’t drawing or writing I was using my ninja turtles to act out my Dad’s lessons.

There is also the love a son has for his parent’s-weather or not they are any good at the job, which mine where excellent by the way. There is the love for a friend, and deeper still the love for a best friend that surpasses reason. Best friends hurt you the most, disappoint you the greatest and yet there is no bond like the one between people who understand each other…or don’t understand each other. I haven’t figured it out yet. Not last but final on this list is the love for home. In the land of home love is like the rain dripping from heavy pine branches. Sweet the escape of fur’s fresh essence as it mixes with the crystalline water mist whose fountain is the ice of thousand year old glaciers. And the mountain lingers in the foggy distance mysterious and terrifying as a first kiss. To disgrace my love is to shelter under an umbrella. Allow me to soak in the tears of falling joy, tip-taping from the twilight twinkling greys in the sky. For as long as the great northwest stands in the annuls of time, which time is like a spoken breath, so will Oregon be my home.

Can any power conquer love? Can war or peace? Perhaps hate? Surely death?

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” 

Literally my life started in a place called Arlington Texas, in the city of Dallas, where my father was a minister for a church called Park Rose Church of Christ. When I was 3 years old my Dad got hired to be a minister in Oregon, which is just north of California. We moved to the city of Portland just before my 4^th birthday, and I had never seen any place like it. It’s beautiful there. Tall trees, giant mountains, waterfalls; the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. I loved Portland. I still do.

Portland Oregon is where my life really began, not just because I liked it there, and not just because I made my first best friend at that church. Life began for me when I found love. Its crazy, I know, but in the third grade I met a girl named Jessica Bradely. It is impossible to tell my story with out mentioning her. From the first moment I saw her I had a reason to live. I knew instantly that I loved her. Yes, she was pretty, Linda, but more than that it was her very person I was attracted to. Jessica herself was beautiful, and I could see what was on the inside. At first my love was secret. Not even my parents knew about it. I didn’t even tell my friends. The story is long and some times painful to remember but you should know that I loved her, without ceasing, from the time I was 8 years old until I was 15 years old.

This was a hard time in my life. Being in love with a girl who didn’t know was painful. I would have told her so many times, but I never thought I was good enough for her and so my love remained secret for most of that time. But also it was a hard time because my mother was very sick. When we moved she became ill with a sickness that attacked her muscles. She was always week. It seemed like she was in bed for ten years straight. I remember every night my father would come to put me in bed and we would pray. Every night I prayed the same thing “Lord heal my mom, in Jesus name amen.” Every night for ten years, every night.

Finally my mom had enough of her sickness. She wanted more and she knew Jesus could give it to her. She began to read the scriptures looking for all the verses about healing. One night after a lot of prayer she invited the elders over to our house to pray over her. They anointed her with oil and prayed. The lord descended on the house and Jesus was among them, my mom saw him in one of the elders, and then she was healed. She was dressed in white and with the oil in her hair she had the appearance of an angel. My mom’s faith planted faith in me. I am thankful for her faith, with our it my life would have gone very differently.

Ben Reis, faithful servant of the lord, passionate hunger for his spirit. Ben was my youth minister, like what Mark and Ali do. This man taught me to enter the presence of the lord. His worship was from the heart and he taught our group to do the same. You could feel the blood of the lamb passing in our midst. Some may look back on that time and think it was a fairy tale. But I know with all my heart Ben brought us to the courts of the heavenly father. Because of this man I was baptized into the lord Jesus Christ July of 2001. The timing was good because I would need the Lord Jesus to be my life. It was that year my father told me we would be moving back to Texas. He got a job with ACU teaching classes and directing events. I was so sad, and very angry. I thought it would be the worst change I would ever have to experience in my life. We moved to Abilene in the middle of August. School would start in two weeks and I had nothing to do with my time. I cried almost everyday. I sat alone in my room wishing that life could stop so that I wouldn’t feel so helpless. But one day a group of fellow high school kids came knocking on my door; five of them, all angels from the lord almighty. They asked if I wanted to go look at the school and learn what rooms ours classes would be in. The lord provided. Faith was in me. In Abilene I experienced many blessings. I have to say that first before anything else. The lord has blessed me greatly with my time in Abilene. I really mean that.

Being in Abilene opened my eyes. In Oregon there aren’t many Christians. In Abilene everyone goes to church. Or at least that’s what it seems like to a 15 year old. My youth group had over 200 kids. My youth group in Oregon had maybe 30, maybe. Even then I remember the times when Landon Lynn and I were the only two people to show up at youth events. At Highland, in their youth group, it seemed like a birthday party Festa Junina every day. Which was exciting, but I never felt like it was one family. I did feel family towards many of those people, but it never felt like we were one in spirit in the bunch. Really, honestly my impression was that Texas Christians took their faith for granted. It seemed so secondary to them. I mean it was like being a follower of Christ was just “part of life” that some one added to everything else. But as the prophet says: “the robes of his train filled the temple.” The lord God of Gods does not compete for space in the hearts of his people. It hurt me to see what this meant in real life.

There is a lot of religion in the south. People worship football. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the American movie “Friday Night Lights” but its no exaggeration. I mean its not over done. I don’t know if that translates well. (seu nao um exagero) In the movie you see that football is more important to parents than their actual children. You know this kind of thing in Brasil I think. If too many Brasileiros see soccer as the most important thing in life, than you know what I’m talking about. What I’m saying is there are many Gods in southern United States and among them is the God of church. The father showed me that the church can make itself God as well, and I was very sad. Lots of money gets spent around here and most of it goes to the satisfaction of church people’s lives. Big buildings better programs. There is much more but none of this is worth talking too long about.

THe lord taught me that he was doing something special in the places where Christians are out numbered. Like in Oregon; the lord showed me that the Christians in Oregon knew how to love people. They loved better. Because of this I saw that the lord was planning something new. The people of the United States don’t like Christians. Even the people who are Christians don’t like people who take Jesus seriously. So I herd the lord: “Prepare the way of my work, I have a new thing.”

In the united states people didn’t want to come to church buildings any more and I knew that Christians would have to go to the people if they wanted to share Jesus. This gave me an idea. I thought: “I should plan on moving back to Oregon and open a coffe shop.” People in Oregon love coffe. I thought it would be a great place to do ministry.

So I knew that I wanted to do ministry but I also knew I didn’t want to do it like my father. On the first day of class, on the first day of college I sat next to a man named Kyle Trafton, which is not a coincidence. I found out that Kyle wanted to do the same thing with his life. We have been great friends since that day. In College I helped him start a house church. I learned much about love from Kyle and in a time of great need he helped me to discern the lords voice.

At ACU I studied the bible. Its a lot like going to a seminary. Well, lets say its a seminary for the mind at least. I came to ACU so that i could learn the bible really well. I wanted to back up my opinions about what the lord was telling me. I was a fool. I soon learned that a man should not lean on his own understading, but rather, the father's. I got all the knoledge i wanted...and even more. At the end of my freshman year (my first year in college) I came to a place of desision. I could see that school was either going to be about doing what i wanted to do, or what God wanted to do. It was hard but I knew I would need a different group of friends. I needed to seek out people who were seeking God and nothing else. Plenty of people seek the lord but they only last if they make it their life goal to find him. I also needed the lord to draw me closer to his heart and to humble me. He was able to do both of these things and my father was a great help.

In highschool I was on the praise band for our youth group. I wasnt very good but the adult who led our group knew that it didn't matter. When Highland got its mission team together for the summer of 2005 they asked the leader of the youth's praise band to come to camp. Thats the camp we met at this year! Because of this I was asked to go to Brasil. When my Dad learned i was going he offered to direct camp (like what Kevin did this year). Before I say more let me tell you why I started playing the guitar. When I lived in Oregon I started playing the violin. The orchestra was really good and I loved it. When I moved to Texas it was sad to keep playing the violin...so I asked my parents if I could learn the guitar instead. They said yes, and now it was three years later. I was going to Brasil to play guitar.

You sould know camp was awsome. It was powerful and I felt as if the lord had brought me there personaly. Its like he gave me the gift of music and grew it in me just so that I could go to Brasil, and if thats all that playing the guitar could bring in my life it was good enough! It was like my whole life had been planned around that 1 week in Brasil and i was so happy. It was also that year at camp I met my friend Reid Overall. And that was by the lord's design as well because Reid was in most of my classes at school the next year. The lord provided me with the friends I neeed to seek after him. Thank the lord for Reid Overall. Thank the lord for Brad East, and Paul Gonzalves, Thomas Robinson and Tanner. Thank you for Josh Kirby, Jason Allen, Zack Snyder, Chase Barnett, and Jeff Paxton. Praise the lord for his servant Randy Harris. Thank you lord for Brad Mick. Thank you for Chris Chestnutt. Thank you. One thing more changed my life forever in that summer. WHile i was working at my grandfathers ranch there was a day we had gotten very tired and I was very rude to him. That night I cried and got on my knees to pray. My prayer was:

"Lord I cant even love the people closest to me, I would rather give up my gift of life and you live in my place than to go on one more day hurting the people close to me. please lord destroy me, destroy Josh Love.

Amen."

The next year in school I studied the bible very deeply and not just what it said, but what history said about it. I have very little to say about this kind of thing. I lost my faith. It was all in my head. It was all knoledge and I found out that what I could know with my mind would never give me a relationship with the lord. When I relized this, I realized I didnt know him. When I realized i dodnt know him I found I had no faith. The foundations of my life crumbled. I had built my understanding upon "pillars of salt and pillars of sand." and even though I had many reasons and many opportunities to know the lord they had all colected in my head. Never had the truth entered my heart. I had seen his work in my mom. I knew his guidance in my move to abilene. I knew he had plans for me. I felt his presence in youth group, but none of it had ever gone into my heart. My faith was empty and my mind was full. I didnt know how to believe in God.

Love endures all things. The lord saved me through the friends I wrote about. Love held me together and I knew that even though I lost everything I wasnt alone. And then I thought somhing that excited me. I realized: "I've never sought after the lord. He's sought after me, but I've never sought after him." At once I was filled with life. At this time we began to meet about going to Brasil again. My father was still going to direct and I was asked to help with worship again. I felt the lord tugging at me, and I moved my feet in his direction. "WAS he really talking to me?" I asked myself at night.

Thank the lord for Kimberly Lewis. The lord brought us together for several months before brasil. She was my girlfriend, but so much more. I herd the lord telling me to be with her. I had doubt, i didnt know if it was really the lord speaking. I was having problems with women. The one I left in Oregon had torn a giant hole in my heart. Love had left aplace that the lord needed to heal and I wasn't sure if being in a relationship was what I needed. In highschool and in college i tried to remake the idol that Jessica was. It was never healthy and I'm very sorry to those who I tried to replace her with when I moved to Texas. My heart was lost. Actualy it was the last thing on God's list. Frst he broke my mind. Now he had to break my heart. He did this through Kimberly. We were together just long enough for her to become the idol in my heart that the lord needed to remove. So, only 3 days before i left to go to Brasil she broke up with me. Praise the lord! When I got to camp I had nothing left to fill my life. In just a few mounths I lost everything that made life livable.

Just before camp started my father challanged the mission team with a simple request. He asked us to pray the lord's prayer every day. I had nothing else so I grabbed onto the lord's prayer with all of my strength.

"Father in Heaven Hallowed be your name make is known in all the earth. Your kingdom come your will be done on earth as it is in heaven, come near to us. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us lord only as we forgive others and deliver us from the evil one, for lord God yours is the kingdom and yours is the power and to you is all of this honor for ever and ever amen."

Not only was I able to pray it every day but soon I was praying it every hour. I had to pray it. It was life in my empty heart. When I got to camp I needed it so bad. I tried harder to learn portugese and gave everything I could in discussion and worship times. I was hungry for the lord. I was already being changed. Ask Lauren, I was shy and quiet the first time in brasil but now I saw the work the lord had done through camp and it gave me life. I was becoming a brasileiro, a little bit. I wanted more. By the way, some day you should meet Raphael. Ask him about camp that first year it changed him. I still remember how much life was in him the next time I saw him...

At camp my father gave a lesson on the garden of Eden and how the lord would walk in the garden with Adam. I was overcome with desire for the lord. On my way out of the Chapel to our group time I said to the lord: "Walk with me lord, like you once did with Adam."

His spirit descended upon me. Hallelujah!

My whole body was filled with a lightness and his prescence. The joy of the lord was upon me. I could only take so much and soon I said: "ok thats enough!" and it left me. But now I knew. The lord God, the God of Israel is a living God great above all Gods, not subject to my mind and understanding. He is beyond me. This time when I got back from Brasil the fire of the lord's passion filled my heart. I prayed the lords prayer constantly. His heart was always on my heart. Soon my life was prayer, every second of it devoted to thinking about him and his will. I had a desk job at 5 in the morning every day the next semester and i spent every second of it in prayer with the lord. Over and over I asked him: "lord speak to me." for my faith had not yet been satisfied. All was silence. Lord one word speak one word to me, I knoew you live and I know you speak! Speak to me!"

Still there was silence and my patience was thin. Everthing fell apart again When I lost the strength to pray all the time and even everyday it was like loosing everything I had. I was empty once more.

But the lord is faithful.

I had nothing left to pray so instead I went around praying with others. I would think of a place or a person and I go find them. We would pray and then I would do it again. Ididnt even do my home work. I would go to class, but the whole time I was thinking of who or where to go next. It seemed like every person I thought to pray for was exactly wher I went to look for them. Or every time I wanted to pray with some one it was exactly when they needed to be prayed with. Glory to the lord! I did this for 3 months until one day I came in to work at my desk job. A man named Matt Labro was working the hours before me and when I came in I asked him to pray for me. I remember he opened his mouth and began to pray, but very soon it was not him praying. He was speaking to me. Matt was telling me things that only God would know about my self. "Is this the lord?" I thought. To test the spirit I prayed in my heart and the lord responded through Matt. It was him. God had chosen this night and this man to speak to me. I wept with tears in my eyes. I had waited so long for his voice. We talked for along while. Most of the things we talked about have been taken from my memory and are now being gaurded by the spirit for a future time when I will need them. But the things the spirit reminded me about I have used for his glory to the best of my ability. I tried to tell many people about what happened to me. Most of my friends were offended, many left me. I told people at my church but most of them thought I was crazy and I never really felt welcomed there again. But the lord had opened my eyes.

For three days and three nights I couldnt eat, sleep or drink. I wrestled in the night with spirits and the sight of food made me ill. I felt like I would die if I ate anything. All the while it was like being awake for the first time in my life. Like Neo coming out of the pod in the matrix. I dont know if youve seen the movie but this is what it felt like. There was a night in the campus center with my good friend Brad where we praised the lord. I saw a vision of the church in front of me and the spirit of Jesus was fully present in my body. Every thought I had was his, and every desire was his. And then as soon as it had began it ended. I was afraid. I knew all at once that I had been wrong about everything in my life. My understanding paled in the light of the savior. I knew I had judged wrong and I was left naked before the lord.

Since that night my life has been his. I continue to make mistakes, but it has been two years since my life was bought by the lord on high. I can do nothing to escape him. The number of stories of the lord's work in my life increased 10 times after this point and even though Im not done learning (I still have so very far to go) this is where I will stop. You can ask me about the rest if you want. Every day I am reminded that there is much to do in preparation for his work. The day of the lord is coming. Prepare the way of his coming. He is making all things new. May the spirit of the lord be stirred to wake his children. Jesus has called us:

⁵I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! ¹⁶So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. ¹⁷You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. ¹⁸I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. ¹⁹Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent.²⁰Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. ²¹To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. ²²He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."

Rev 3: 15-22

The lord is gracious and mighty to save. Let us turn our eyes on him! In the end three things remain: faith hope and love, the greatest of these is love.

amen