What It Means To Minister

Jesus, spirit of the beloved come upon me and give me rest.

I submit my lord, my love. I don't desire the powers any longer. I don't desire to be the changer to be the worker to be the needed one. Let them need only you and fill me to overflowing. Lord fill me with your love. 

I'm done offering advise. I don't want to fix things don't want to change things don't want to make things of my own volition. I want you lord, my love I want you. Yours is the power my love. I have seen and felt your glory and it is all I want. Let your love stay, let me carry you inside. Walk with me, go where I go. Fill me with this love that it might spill over onto others. Let the poor say they are rich, let the weak say I am strong, because you are with me. Let the children come to you, let your children come to you.

Just be with me, be with me so much that you're with others too, the ones I can't seem to help.

I forgive

I forgive my self lord.

I forgive Lord. Fill me with forgiveness. Lord the desire of my heart is to forgive.

To love deeper to love harder. Fill me lord. Transform my mind by the holy spirit.

I love you lord. But I know

You Love me more.

How can I not

Forgive.

Breaking Bread

No longer do I desire to consume anything.

I will not buy the lie, I will not follow death and all of his friends, will not be an observer of the circle of death. I will be moved by nothing but my lord.

For his love has conquered the grave. Death has no hold of my life.  I trust and move boldly now into the new creation.

One in which life does not depend on the death of others in an endless cycle. One death for all deaths that the old might pass. Now those that "eat my flesh and drink my blood" are remnants to continue on as the NEW comes to be. Slowly but surely comes to be.

Once Life was my god, and fear drove me towards you lord but now I understand your words. If I had been satisfied in finding life surely I would have died, but now in the presence of your love you are my God and I will lay down my life.

In hopes of gaining you.

YHWH I call on the name of the Lord! YHWH!

Lord, my love....

I'm going to go to work now....

How long?

How long oh lord?

I'm sitting now, I am waiting now. How Long?

I am only breathing now, only breathing now. How long?

I know you are with me. I feel your presence. We abide, we are one. How long?

But Shalom my lord, my heart cries out for all of all to be brought to one. As you are one let us be one as well. How long?

Stillness pervades my mind. My thoughts are stopped at the point of mystery and fall into a state of foggy meditation among living words that communicate to my deepest self in inexegetical language. How long?

I can only listen, and the only thing you seem to do is swell like the ocean waves. It feels like rest, it feels like peace, like sabbath. Doing and moving working and choosing seem like echoes of a dream. Rest is so present it is all there is. One continuous moment of contented motionless existence. How long?

Did I dream your power? Did I image your desires? They seem at the side, put to rest on the wood stove of a cold winters night. A feeling like snow falling, an unchangeable season blisters by in the cold out doors while my spirit seems curled up with you aside the warm fires of patient contentment rot of the wisdom that knows the inevitability of seasons changing and hours enduring and even living in joy of what must be before it can be summer again. How long?

I wait, I submit to the power of this rest. I slip deeper into the calm of its trance and again as I fall into the quiet abounding my last words are how long? How long must i sing this song....

..........................

Love

I've done enough complaining to last a life time.

 I've done enough understanding and re-understanding and not-understanding to fill and reverse the pull of a black hole to a state of emptiness.

In the end it always comes back to this...

Love.

Its truest form is so beyond me that its on me, in me, around me, and with me. 

Even then terms like beyond, in, around, on, and with don't really matter.

The love that I feel is so real, so essential that you wont even know its there unless you weren't.

But its so real it speaks to me that its more than a verb.

Proper doesn't even apply to the formality of this noun, and even then I'm missing the point again.

I cant even say the words that fit or describe but that doesn't matter here either.

Its almost like I need a different tongue. 

I need words that speak themselves.

I need words that groan.

I need words that create meaning as much as they stand for it.

I lack nothing.

Here with Love.

Like trying to stretch out my roots into what they're already founded in.

Like turning to kiss a lover who's already kissing me.

Like wanting something I already have, no matter how many times I pursue it as something else.

Like needing to be wanted but already found.

There is no feeling like this, its not a feeling at all its............

Indescribable

It can only really be believed in.

It can only really be trusted.

I cant see it to trust it, cant touch it or hear it or taste it on my accord.

No.

All of those things come from it.

The only way is faith.

Not simply belief. What I can choose to think or choose as my reality seems irrelevant.

What I'm experiencing goes so far beyond the mind or the heart.

It cant be reasoned, bought, taught, understood or gambled with. 

What I'm feeling, although their is no word for it

Is............

Matthew 12: 18

Praise God from whom all blessings flow praise him all creatures here below praise him above yea heavenly host praise him: Father Son and Holy Ghost.

Amen

When have I seen you lord?

In my dreams I can see a women, she is beautiful and she is kind. She smiles while she suffers, and she loves those who are not loved. She is vulnerable, but she is courageous. She puts her self last, but she is strong. But above all she is infectious and more than my desire for her is my desire to be like her. As I awake I am filled with joy but its only a passing sensation and soon I am haunted by her image...

I've lost the words that shouted victory in my heart

where have the words gone?

I'm on my knees

Lord of heaven and earth,

Father creator, 

Life sustainer,

All of all rest 

on the breath of your lips

Let us listen

Let us be still

Come Lord Jesus

Meet me where I am

please lord take my hand.

Your mighty palm takes mine and we walk together. You are leading me and in the distance I can smell the sweet aroma of my mother's garden.

Where are we going lord?

A king wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement a servant who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. "Be patient with me," he begged, "and i will pay back everything." the servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go."

I breath in and out as I picture the scene...

What forgiveness. How do I find a land like this? 

I tell you the truth unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.

The words are beyond my mind, beyond my rationality.

But I can not be born again. How will I be born again Lord? 

With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

But to be a child I will have nothing. You ask me to give everything?

I tell you the truth at the renewal of all things, when the son of man sits on his glorious throne you, who have followed me, will also sit on twelve thrones.

How will I know the way lord? Tell me where you are going so that I can follow.

I am the way! 

Listen I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me drink. You will see me many times and i will always be with you. The point is this; do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God with out fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the word of life in order that you may boast on the day of christ that you did not run or labor for nothing, but even If you are being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, rejoice and be glad.

And again I say rejoice!

Yes lord, life, I want life!

my soul cries out and I reach for the father but his hand is beyond my grasp.

In latter days I will pour out my spirit on you... you will dream dreams my child...

I feel alone and his presence seems to dissipate. But as my eyes roam the surrounding landscape I see others looking to the sky in the place where you left. They are just standing,  just staring, and once again I am haunted by the image of a women I have not met...

How will I find you lord?

I must be still, I must keep quiet, let the spirit fall upon me. A breath in and a breath out. Come lord Jesus.

I want to know you as I am known. I want to see your face with out the hindrance of my eyes. Come peace, come wholeness. Again I say Shalom. 

I am in my body but it is not the focus of my concern, let my eyes rest upon Jesus, in him all things hold together. Peace be still. Peace be still.

I cannot learn my meaning it can only be found in living, so I must move beyond the filters of  understanding, I must move into the nearness of God. At the Crossroads of man and God now stand. Here I hang my self suspended with you in service to others. Come Jesus.

Come holy spirit as I step into faith that is blind. Provide in the dark unknown, and because your work is beyond my understanding I expect miraculous signs and powerful movings of your will, as in the blindness of faith it is the milk that keeps me strong. 

Now I can hear your call.

These are the words that lead me out.... love, there is no greater love than this...

How will I find you lord? What must I pray?

.....that love may abound more and more in depth of insight so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness  that comes through Jesus christ to the glory and praise of God.      -Phil 1:9

Rest your eyes upon Jesus

look full on his wonderful face

and the things of self will grow strangely dim

in the light of his mercy and grace

Let you kingdom come

 let you will be done

In my self as it is with you